Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?