Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Not all heroes wear capes….

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?