Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”