If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
#CatsOnTwitter
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
The collective noun for a group of gorillas should be a ‘kongregation’.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.