Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

ㅤ

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.