If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
i feel so bad i refunded him
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
If only
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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