If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
You Might Also Like
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Now colored!
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?