If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
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My Guy
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.