Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Fruity

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

hackers play passwordle

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..