If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
You Might Also Like
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.