@IamJackBoot

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

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@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@rachelaxler

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

@funnyordie

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

@80sjams

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

@EJGomez

dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

@ln0217

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!