If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
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What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.