Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”