Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Only a mother’s love …

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood