Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.