Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Don’t tell me what to do

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!