Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.