If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
You Might Also Like
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
British people
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
is nasa ok
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.