Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary