Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.