Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.