If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…