Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

j o i m p

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.