Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when
[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.