Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce