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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
January has been Januweary
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.