My wife’s signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL