Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(yawn)

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

yo apparently, Micheal Jackson would go and record songs as soon as he got the idea so God wouldn’t pass the idea to Prince and I’m fucking cackling, yes this is the kind of vendetta I’m on lmaoo

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research