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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again