If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Showerkraut
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office