Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

They’re called werewolves.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood