Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

#dnd #ttrpg

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.