Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

A Short Story.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.