Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

Finally, an explanation.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂