Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

dogs can find happiness so easily

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.