If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Challenge accepted.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE