If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Do not steal food from the science building!
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner