Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

#dnd #ttrpg

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?