Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are