If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas