If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
need him
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner