If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Noah was an idiot.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
We avoided this particular disaster
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
🤯🤯🤯
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.