This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Ha.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce