If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
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I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
You are not alone 💚
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!