If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
You Might Also Like
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.