If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Mornin
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.