If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
2023 was just a warmup
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances