If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers