If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
You Might Also Like
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
can you read it!!??
maan!
i choose….tongue
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.