Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

mechanics be like

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

the icebreaker

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.