god: you’re a pig
god: you’re filthy
god: you eat slop from a trough
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
Jesus *runs across the lake crying*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo