If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I’m already scared
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*