If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

You Might Also Like


god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing


If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.


Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.


Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself


I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away


Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago


I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.



Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.

Jesus *runs across the lake crying*


I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.


“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo