If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16