Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

That earthquake could have been an email.