If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”