Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

I’M CRYINGGG

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.