if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
You Might Also Like
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
🤣😂
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc