Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Best spoiler warning ever

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.