if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
This raises questions
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.