if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.