If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
