If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
You Might Also Like
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
