If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
thanks auntie mary
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]