If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place