If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
What my back needs
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree