If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The fall of Netflix
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Feels
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
