Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*