Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

They should make a moral fiber supplement

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied