If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
She: I like Cats
He:
Netflix and you sit over there.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”