If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?