If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
You Might Also Like
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
This raises questions
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care