If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I am all good here, 😂😉
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Google assistant rules
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.