If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Drive like no one is watching.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?